Stuff I've Said

Alan P. Scott - Memory

and might believe

Bon Mots and Bumper Stickers * Computers * Deep Thoughts * Definitions * Drugs * Money * Music * Politics and Race * Religion * Science * Sex and Love * Turns of Phrase * Yuma (loosely defined)

You may choose to take offense at some of these. That's okay; some of 'em offend me, too.

As far as I know, every one of these is the product of my own fevered imagination, though other fevered imaginations have sometimes independently produced the same or similar words.

Where I know the day I came up with something, it's in parentheses after the quote.

Bon Mots and Bumper Stickers

[Top][Next (Computers)]

All I want is nothin' but a stack of teenage girls.

Can't we just be strangers?

Cats are the original Pathological Liars.

Certainty is sinful.

Corporations: the handcuffs on the Invisible Hand. (12/14/2001)

DON QUIXOTE WAS A QUITTER (6/9/2006, 10/30/2006)



The guy continually ceases to amaze me.

I have such a distant relationship with gyms that I have to call 'em James. (6/2/2006, 6/13/2006)

In the Pacific Northwest, you shouldn't hug, because you're so likely to be damp.

It rained so hard yesterday [speaking of the PNW] that our bowling league got rained out.

It's not the skin
It's what's within.

Here's Hell: to dance better than you fuck.

Huntington - speed bump on the highway of life.

I am a PIG (Pursuer of Instant Gratification!)


I didn't dress this way to please YOU!

I'd walk over you for me.

Intelligence is unpredictability!

It's hard to appreciate nature when it's calling.


Life is too important to take seriously.

Also attributed to blues artist Corky Siegel, but I swear I came up with this independently.

Living with you puts a real crimp in my pessimism.

Lobotomies for Republicans - Unnecessary Surgery

Loneliness can be a mean addiction, but your love is a dangerous cure.

My mind was in the gutter, once... but I don't like heights.

Never before has so little meant so much to so many.


One should never invoke conspiracy to explain what can be adequately attributed to stupidity, cupidity or fear.

See also Uhlman's Razor.

The paperless office will come about just as soon as the paperless toilet, and be just about as pleasant to use.

Reality is the monkey on my back.


Silliness is holy. (5/9/2003)

Simple truths annoy simple minds.


Success is psychosomatic.

Tasers on fun, Captain!

That ringing in your ears is a call to arms.


This is that kind of town - if there ain't one redneck, there're five.

Those who do not remember lunch are condemned to reheat it.

Thoughts are free - use them liberally.

Too many cars nowadays come equipped with a driver's-side airhead.

We are out of our hands.

We're blood and bone - they're cellulite.

When I hear the term "politically correct," I reach for my erection.

A woman needs a man like a fish needs a... hook.

Wouldn't it be great if everyone had his own Ed McMahon? YES!

Y'know, society is just like one big club - but don't beat me over the head with it.

Your family is in the best position to betray you.


[Back (Bon Mots and Bumper Stickers)][Top][Next (Deep Thoughts)]

Any written communication from the system administrator will confuse exactly those people who need it most.

Bandwidth is wasted on the young.

If it's really an Information Superhighway, why are we in so much hurry to let our children play in the traffic?

When you care enough to click "Send" on the very best! (1/19/2000)

Deep Thoughts

[Back (Computers)][Top][Next (Definitions)]

Bill Gates is The Mule in someone's psychohistory.

Cherish your memories; they cannot be counterfeited or taxed away, as long as you live. I had more to say on the subject, but I forgot what it was.

The craft of the writer is to lie well on paper. The art is, while lying, nevertheless to tell the truth.

Digression is the soul of pith.

Everybody has something about which he is greedy. Even saints guard their humility.

Happy times produce no wise men. (5/25/1983)

I don't believe in an inevitable progression of humanity towards enlightenment and rationality; behaving rationally is hard work and most humans are lazy. But I still believe and hope that the progression is possible. (2/5/2003)

If we could listen
We'd live in Eden.

It's not the clock that makes the time. (5/29/1998)

Kill two birds with one stone and what do you have? Two dead birds.


Polite drivers deserve respect; impolite ones require caution. In practice, a good driver treats them both with distinctly wary courtesy. (1/24/2002)

The prospect of pleasure fills me with dread. (5/15/2001)

The reins are light until the horse shies. (3/28/2009)

Some men are altogether too good at being bereaved.

Some things need weight to hold them down.

Spock is the brain, McCoy is the conscience, and Kirk... Kirk is the heart of the Enterprise. (3/2/2007)

There are levels of confession that would make St. Augustine blush. (Feb. 2000)


  1. It's better to end with a bang than to begin with one.
  2. Money destroys art.
  3. A bad book with great potential makes a better movie than a great book. (9/8/2001)

Tragedy occurs at the moment when an unnecessary sadness becomes inevitable.

While the lion roars, he cannot hear the snake. (5/20/2007)

Zeno's Paradox can be nullified simply by realizing that if space can be infinitely divided, so can time.


[Back (Deep Thoughts)][Top][Next (Drugs)]

(n.) The morbid fear of being caught with nothing to read. [From Gr.: ana (without [var.]) + biblio (book) + phobia (fear)]
Note: While I still think my version is more euphonious, I must admit that it's incorrectly formed; the Greek prefix meaning "without" is actually "a-" or "an-," and the more correctly formed word abibliophobia is not my coinage.
(n.) An email address or user ID which carries unfortunate connotations if assigned according to an organization's standard scheme. Examples: "Gary Ross" becoming "gross"; "Ana Lindstrom" becoming "anal". [From conc. bad + address]
(n.) The distressing overuse of exclamation points and, by extension, other punctuation marks that occurs so often in email!!!!! (Like that.) (12/6/2004)
My letter mentioning and defining this new word was published in the Portland Oregonian's "Back Fence" column, page E2, on 1/5/2005.
(n.) The somewhat-illicit feeling of companionship one gets from flirting online. [From conc. convenience+venal+congeniality, with a little dash of (virtual) reality thrown in for flavor.]
(n.) Small, seedy town. [From fleabag]
(n.) The relentless process of pruning and cauterizing imaginative thought, commonly performed by society, at public schools and in corporate workplaces. This one came to me when I was half-asleep; it's a horrible image, isn't it? [From imagination + -ectomy (Gr., "to cut out")]
Infocaust, the
(prop. n.) The (inevitable?) point at which Western civilization's weight of post-literate drones finally brings it down. [From Information holocaust]
(n.) A Macintosh technician. [Concatenation - I got tired of typing the whole thing.]
(adj.) Sweaty and unpleasant. [From scrotum]
(n.) 1. The deep ruts created in freeway pavement by steel-studded tires, when such tires are used excessively in places with little snow. 2. The back and forth wobble one's car takes on when forced to drive in a lane damaged by steel-studded snow tires.
Uh-oh. Guess we're stuck in the studwallow until we get past this semi.
(n.) The brief cessation of sound that occurs when you drive under an overpass while it's raining. (12/4/2007)
Thanks to Olivia May Scott for realizing that this concept needed a word.
(n.) Any creative work whose primary impact is in its obsession over the details of weapons systems. (2/7/2002)
(n.) What's left over after a circumcision. (12/17/1999)


[Back (Definitions)][Top][Next (Money)]

Don't smoke dope - it'll make you think Leif Garrett is in the World Almanac.

LSD FOR AFRICA - They may starve, but they won't care!

NO! There, I said it. Now gimme my fuckin' drugs!


[Back (Drugs)][Top][Next (Music)]

A capitalist believes that, left ungoverned, the money will go around the right way. A socialist believes that, properly governed, the money will go around the right way. Both, of course, are wrong.

I'm an atheist - I don't believe in Mammon.

Money is the sincerest form of flattery.

The state religion of America is Capitalism, and I am a heretic - I don't worship Mammon.


[Back (Money)][Top][Next (Politics and Race)]

Every guitarist is a frustrated lead.

Expressing myself all over the dance floor.

Politics and Race

[Back (Music)][Top][Next (Religion)]

Applying Occam's Razor to social issues generally results in a lot of spilled blood.

April 30, 1992: the day trickle-down blew up.

The difference between diplomacy and conspiracy is that only one of them is practiced by all governments.

Don't Rush me.

Female chauvinists, or nonwhite racists, being disempowered, are certainly less pernicious in effect, though no less evil in essence, than the more common and vocal white male bigot.

Government, like any other vice, should be indulged in with moderation if at all.

I am afraid that young males of today will soon be faced with the same crucial decision that faced young men twenty years and more ago: whether to serve their country, or to obey it.

I mistrust democracy, in no small measure because I believe that most people, if they knew me, would want to kill me. (1/16/2002)

It's fine to be an elitist, really; I'm one too. But if your definition of "elite" fails to include me, it's inherently flawed - try again. (1/16/2002)

It is moral to go to great - sometimes even illegal - lengths to avoid bullshit.

No abortion is safe, for in all cases at least one of the patients dies.

Patriotic doesn't mean tax-exempt!

A really smart bomb would refuse to explode.

What makes you think "bipartisan" means "inclusive?"

You'll rarely make an immoral choice if you vote against the best-financed campaign.


[Back (Politics and Race)][Top][Next (Science)]

Any jackass can prophesy Armageddon.

Faith can move mountains - the problem is that it generally does so only in order to drop them on someone else.

God must love death - He makes so much of it.

God never built a church. (2/1/2007)

I could not respect a God without a library. (11/1/1999)

I do not believe in the God of the carrot and the stick. I can lead a moral life without the promise of Heaven or the threat of Hell. I can be good without You.

I don't understand why atheists and Christians can't get along better... after all, their guesses about how many gods there are only differ by one. (2/8/1999)

If God can be fooled by television evangelists, I certainly ought to be able to snow Him - if I want to.

If God were a male, polygamy would be a sacrament.

Isn't it ironic that the same people who profess belief in the divine origin of human beings will, when confronted with the basic venality of people, point regretfully to 'human nature'? After all, WHO, in their view, is responsible for that nature?

It should be obvious to anyone who looks with unchained eyes that the affairs of human beings are but the doings of complex beasts.

The Lord does not play requests.

Moral certitude is a sin.

No religion has the right to punish nonmembers. This is the essential difference between religion and government.

Sure, the Christians are going to get into Heaven. They just won't get the best seats.

The shepherd gathers the sheep, whether or not they seek him. (12/4/1999)


[Back (Religion)][Top][Next (Sex and Love)]

Technologies, such as videophones and voice-recognition software, that interfere with human multitasking, are doomed to niche acceptance at best. (3/16/2000)

"The meek shall inherit the earth" isn't a promise - it's a warning. The rest of us shall inherit the stars.

A scientist does not deny Heaven. A scientist seeks to understand Heaven. There are those who would say that this is a greater blasphemy. (1/24/2002)

Sex and Love

[Back (Science)][Top][Next (Turns of Phrase)]

BREASTS: Well, if I had 'em and they wouldn't embarrass me, they're too small.

A condom is nothing more than a fence against the thieves of love; it is no more an invitation to evil than a chain-link fence is an invitation to those who would steal your lawn furniture.

I don't want a woman with good taste - I want a woman who tastes good.

I have taken you to heart.

I only have one mind, but I change it often so it won't get dirty. Wups - too late!

Men will put up with a lot to get sex. Women will put up with sex to get a lot. (Aug. 1998)

Nobody talks about masturbation but everybody does something about it...

One woman is enough, and two is twice as much.

Our Unabashed Dictionary defines a halter top as a boob tube.

Sex is not an act of introspection.

Smart enough to keep me interested and dumb enough to want to.

There are no unfaithful men - only unrealistic women.

A triangle is the most stable of architectural relationships and the most unstable of emotional ones.

Turns of Phrase

[Back (Sex and Love)][Top][Next (Yuma, loosely defined)]

...smashed like a paincake...


Barbie queue

Barbie-doll sauce

deep-dish sheep dip (8/10/2001)
Actually found an independent reference to this one on one web page, but only well after the fact.

Famous Authors' Hairstyles, by Gore Vidal Sassoon.

Fission Chips

...garages thrusting out in front of suburban houses like silicone breasts...

Inappropriately Touched by an Angel

The inevitable terrorism of that vandal, Time. (9/23/2001)

It's motion not emotion.


Let sleeping children lie. (9/30/1999)

Lex Lutheran. (2/1/2007)

Like juggling a house of cards. (8/6/2003)


Nuclear testosterone (India and Pakistan being prime examples, as of 6/1998 et seq.)



Sugar-Frosted Quest

Yuma (loosely defined)

[Back (Turns of Phrase)][Top]

It hurt a lot to be an only child... my brothers and sisters put up quite a fight. (7/29/2006)

John Wayne Bobbitt - now known as John Wayne Bob. Itt got cut off.

Q: How do two epileptics say goodbye?
A: Seizure later.

Q: What would cunnilingus be?
A: Piecemeal.

Q: What's the best car for someone in a wheelchair?
A: A Rolls.

Smorgasmorgue: Jeffrey Dahmer's request for a last meal.

©1981-2009 Alan P. Scott. This compilation ©2009 Alan P. Scott. All rights reserved.

Last updated June 17, 2009.

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