Familiar
friends....where are you?
Shock and numbness.....you are slipping away from me. You were my
constant companions for so long, intensely inhabiting every portion of
my life, consuming every moment....even in my sleep. You walked hand in
hand with Grief and helped in some small way for me to deal with her
but you've been slipping away from me. As you have quietly exited from
my life, Grief has gotten more intense in many ways. Loneliness has
been even more unbearable than when you were my constant and
overwhelming companions.
Shock, you overwhelmed every part of my life.....mentally, physically,
emotionally.....and carried me through the first minutes, hours, days
and weeks....even months.
Numbness, you sedated every system in my being making existence
bearable enough to somehow struggle through to the next minute, the
next hour.
Shock, you have allowed Reality to enter my life as you have been
slipping away. I hate Reality. Reality is not a friend. Reality is
cruel and hard. Reality brings no promises...only Pain. Reality moves
deeper into my life and pushes you, Shock, farther from me. Why have
you allowed this to happen? Shock, I need you. I need you and Numbness
to help me through this. I'm not ready for you to leave me.
Numbness, you've let Shock tell you that you must move out of my life
so I can adjust to this horrible place I'm in. Numbness, I do not want
you to leave. You help me. You make it somehow not so horrifically
hard, you make it less painful to deal with Pain. Numbness, please stay
with me a little longer, please stay here and hold my hand during the
most difficult times. Please don't let Reality destroy what progress
I've made.
Adjustment, you are illusive. I cannot call you a friend.....you seem
to step in for a moment or two and then you're gone. You are like a
kitten trying to cross a mud puddle....you look, sometimes you even
touch me, and then you're gone.
Adjustment, please, please don't be so illusive. Please come in side by
side with Reality and control it. Please help Reality to be less
painful. Adjustment, please be my friend.
Shock and Numbness, please don't leave me until Adjustment is strong
enough to help me. Reality is so cruel, please help Adjustment to help
me. I cannot handle Grief alone; Grief doesn't want to be cruel but she
is. Please teach her to walk hand in hand with Adjustment just as you
both walked together to help me survive this far.
Please, familiar friends, help me through this......don't leave me too
soon.
Glenna Rose Bowman, March 1998
Missing Marcus, my precious son