"Oh, those didn't make it," he said, and if on cue let out a small belch.
One by one the guests arrived, each bringing their own delightful dish for the world's greatest potluck. The guardians of the doors showed up, claming that one of their meals was delightful and the other as rancid as Toby's diapers. One of them was lying, as always, while the lower heads clamed not to know anything, they were pretty much just there to look up dresses.
Gump arrived with Oona. Together they carried an entire well-cooked pig, complete with an apple in its mouth. They grunted as their frail limbs put down the tray on the porch.
"Looks as though someone lost their pie," Gump said, noticing the smeared apples across the porch.
"Sad," Oona sighed, turning back into her small glowing form.
"Can't you pick?" Gump grumbled as he rang the doorbell. "Big, small, big, small, once the secrets out you just don't stop!"
"My reasons are my own!" Oona said, sounding very bitter.
"That's your answer for everything," Gump said, folding his slender arms.
Sarah opened the door for a fourth time that day. "Oh, hello, Gump! Glad you could make it!"
"Pleased to see you too, Sarah, roommate of Jack. Would you be kind enough to help me with our pig?"
"Our?" Sarah asked, looking around.
"Yes. Oona and I."
"Oh! Oona!" Sarah said, noticing the glowing gold light for the first time, "I'm sorry. I didn't see you there."
"She's an easy one to miss..." Gump said for the small fairy, as he and Sarah knelt down the pick up the pig.
"Seems like a lot of food for a potluck." Sarah said.
"You've never seen Screwball eat have you?" Gump said.
"Is Jack here?" Oona asked.
"You're not going to try and get him to kiss you again are you Oona?" Gump asked.
The ball of light bounced up and down angrily and quickly flew into the house.
"Oona!" Gump snapped. "That was uncalled for..."
"What?" Sarah asked as they walked through the door.
"Ever have a fairy flip you off?"
"Probably."
The Wise Man with the bird head on his... Um... head, came, bringing with him a large pail of corn, most of which had been shucked...
Pox, the pig Goblin, showed up as well, dragging behind him a large bag of a not so fresh smelling food.
"What's that?" Jack asked, as it was drug into the kitchen by Sarah.
"I didn't want to ask," she replied as she opened the side door to the alley outside. "Pox brought it," she said, dropping it next to the stoop.
"Ah."
"Are you going to put on some pants?"
"Eh?" Jack asked, lifting one of his naked legs and looking at it, "Why?"
"Well isn't it a bit indecent?"
"This from the person who invited the tight-wearing Jareth."
"You invited Jareth?" Lily asked, trying desperately to twist the cap off the top of a beer.
"I mean you can tell he's not jewish! What's up with that!?" Jack stammered.
"Of course. He may be the Goblin Prince, but he's great at parities," Sarah said.
"Hmm. Could be trouble..." Lily said, realizing that the top wasn't a twist and banging it against the counter, sending the metal cap flying.
"What could?" Jack asked, as the doorbell rang again.
"Hold that thought!" Sarah said, jogging out of the room.
"I invited Darkness..." Lily said, daintily sipping the beer.
"YOU INVITED DARKNESS?!" Jack yowled.
"Mmpmh," she said as she pulled the bottle away from her mouth mid-drink, "I couldn't help it, he walked in when I was talking to Gump about it."
"Where were you talking that Darkness could just walk in?"
"The Gap."
"D-Darkness?!" Sarah stammered.
"Hello! I brought a casserole!" the giant, red-horned creature said, holding crockpot out in front of it. "It's a little spicy, but that's the way I like it!"
"Darkness?!" Sarah repeated.
"Oh dear, I hope I'm not underdressed," he said, looking down at his loin cloth. "May I come in?"
"I- I guess so..." Sarah said, stepping aside, not wanting to be rude.
After a bit of odd shuffling of the feet and a few creative angles of his massive horns, Darkness managed to wiggle his way into Sarah's home.
"What the f-" Gump shouted recoiling as Darkness entered the living room, "Darkness?!"
"Indeed," the red demon said smugly.
Gump put his hand on the window and looked out, "It still be daylight, how do you yet live?"
"SPF 5000!" Darkness said holding up a tube of sunscreen. "Keeps my body shiny as well." He rubbed his belly.
"What smells like coconut?" Hoggle asked as he entered the room from the kitchen.
More and more guests arrived, the time for people to start dishing out the food of the greatest Potluck ever was drawing closer.
"Jareth still not here?" Brown Tom asked Jack, moments before chugging down yet another beer. He was looking to set the Potluck record for most beers consumed.
"No. And with any luck he won't," Jack said.
"Aye, the clash of Darkness and the Goblin Prince would just be too much me thinks..." the pixie said, his words starting to slur together.
"Won't all that beer kind of ruin the taste of your fine wine when meal time rolls around?" Jack asked as Brown Tom dropped the bottle into a trash bin that had been set aside for recyclable (Lily was very environmentally aware).
"Bah, by then I'll be so sloshed I won't know which way is up..." He paused and winced slightly. "Though I best be knowing which way to the bathroom."
"Good idea." Jack nodded.
"No...Really..." Brown Tom said, dancing slightly from side to side. "Which way to the bathroom?"
"Yup! You don't buy beer, you rent it!" Jack chuckled at his own wit.
"Damn it, lad!!" Brown Tom screamed, clutching at Jack's knee. "Tell me now! Or this pixie be pissing on those nice shoes of yours!!"
"What an odd selection of food..." Lily said, looking around the kitchen counters and the island in the middle where the food had been set. "What on earth is that?" she asked, pointing at a yellow pile of goo and recoiling.
"That's Blix's Egg Salad..." Sarah said. "I know, I wouldn't go near it either."
"Blunder's Pot pie smells good..." Lily said, standing over it and sniffing deeply. "I just wonder what's in it..."
"Now this looks tasty!" Sarah said, swiping her hand at a large detailed dish of food.
"What is it?" Lily asked peering over Sarah's shoulder.
"You know, I'm not sure..."
"Who brought it?"
"Sir Didymus and Ambrosius."
"Which one made it?" Lily giggled, amused at herself.
"Ambrosius I think...."
"Oh," Lily said, very solemn suddenly.
"Sir Didymus brought these," Sarah said, picking up a dish and holding it in front of Lily.
"Doggy biscuits?"
"Either that or something made to look like dog biscuits. Try one and let me know."
Lily started to reach for one and then realized what she was doing, "Ew, no, those are doggy biscuits!"
"You don't know that! I'm sure Didymus made them himself!"
"They say Milkbone right on the side!"
"He's just very thorough..." Sarah said.
"You just want me to eat a dog biscuit..." Lily said, squinting at Sarah.
"No I- Yeah, yeah I do," she sighed. "Oh well, let's start putting the food on the dining room table, it's almost time to eat."
"What's all this then?" Brown Tom asked. "Two doors?"
Somehow he had made it to the bathroom, or outside it at least, but now he had a dilemma on his hands.
"It's very rude to stare!" the giant knocker on the left door said.
Brown Tom jumped and staggered back against the wall, clutching his chest, "Oh, me heart!"
The right door mumbled something.
"I didn't think I was this sloshed yet..." Brown Tom said.
"Eh?" The left door knocker asked, its hearing impaired by the large round ring through its ears. "What's that? Can't hear ya!"
The right door mumbled something again.
"Why don't you be spitting that hoola hoop outta yur mouth, then we can talk." Brown Tom said, wagging a finger at the right door.
It mumbled something loudly and angrily.
"What'd he say?" Brown Tom asked the left door.
"What'd you say?" The left door asked Brown Tom.
Brown Tom rubbed his forehead, "I'm so confused.... Jack!" he shouted, noticing the forest boy walking past the hallway.
"Yeah?" he asked, walking up.
"Could you pull the ring outta that feller's mouth? I can't understand a blasted thing he's sayin', and I can't reach that high."
"Sure," Jack said reaching over and pulling out the ring, "There you go." He handed the ring to Brown Tom and walked away.
"Thanks," he said.
"That's better. Every time someone wants to bang me they shove that thing in my mouth," the right knocker said.
Brown Tom giggled.
"And they always forget to take it out when they leave."
"That wasn't as funny," Brown Tom said, tapping his chin with the ring. "Anyway..." he said, his bladder reminding him of why he was there. "Is one of you the bathroom?"
"How should we know? We're just the knockers!"
"Bathroom?" the left said. "One of us leads to the bathroom, the other... To an unholy place, a place where no one returns... The linen closet..."
Brown Tom screamed in terror, defensively covering his face with his hands, "Wait..." he said, standing normally again. "That's not scary..."
"Stupid question," the left said. "I don't even have any legs to shave."
"Eh?" the pixie asked, scratching his head.
"Which do you want then? The bathroom, or the linen closet?" the right asked.
"Bathroom!" he said, dancing again, "How do I open ye?"
"Knock and the door shall open."
Brown Tom jumped up and down several times, trying to reach the ring that ran through the left's ears. "Shoot, I can't reach... Is there a stepladder somewhere in this house?"
"In the linen closet," the right door said.
"Oh, worm rot," Brown Tom mumbled.
"Twice on Sundays," the left door said.
"Jareth is here!" Jack said, leaning into the dining room, where Lily and Sarah were still putting food out.
"Has he run into Darkness yet?" Sarah asked, sounding a bit worried.
"They're sizing each other up now!"
"Go ahead and go make sure nothing happens," Lily said to Sarah. "I'll finish up in here."
"Thanks, Lily," Sarah said, dashing from the room.
"Here," Jack said, putting a large bowl on the table. "He brought peaches."
"Yeah, didn't see that coming..." Lily sighed.
The tension was thick as Jareth and Darkness walked around each other.
"Nice horns," Jareth said.
"Nice mullet," Darkness said.
"Nice loin cloth."
"Nice tights."
The fieries clutched their heads close, Ambrosius hid under a table cloth, Sir Didymus was eating a carrot, oblivious to the whole thing, the guardians of the doors were taking bets on who would win, the wise man and his bird was passed out in chair, the bird watching and waiting for a chance to plunder the loser for goods.
"Nice teeth," Jareth said.
"Nice teeth," Darkness said.
"Nice chin."
"Nice balls."
"Oh, thank you," Jareth said. "Would you care for one?"
"Oh that would be divine!" Darkness said.
"Divine?" Gump asked Screwball, who shrugged.
"Here you are." Jareth took one of the crystal balls he was rolling around in his hand and blew on it, causing it to float through the air until Darkness grabbed it.
"Thank you," he said.
"Is it just me," Screwball asked, "Or has Darkness gone a little fruity?"
"Where'd the little pest go?" Hoggle asked to no one in particular as he shuffled by with a can of bug spray in his hand.
"What was that?" Screwball asked.
"Probably just Hemorrhoid trying to kill Oona." Gump shrugged.
"That's Hoggle!!" Hoggle screamed.
"Woof!" Lily said, taking the lid off of the crockpot that housed Darkness's casserole. "That smells spicy!" She stuck a spoon in the creamy substance. "There, all done! Now we can eat."
The call went out that the food was ready to be dished up and the line formed quickly. It was a rather odd looking line, goblins, pixies, humans, Darkness, an elf, each holding a plastic plate, shuffling around in place, giddy to eat at the greatest Potluck ever.
"Did you find the bathroom okay?" Jack asked, looking back over his shoulder at Brown Tom.
"Uhhh... Yeahhhh..." Brown Tom said, his eyes darting around nervously.
"Dish up!" Sarah shouted happily, opening the table to the horrible groping hands that would come.
"DON'T EAT THE POT PIE!!" a huge voice boomed.
"THE CHICKEN WILL GIVE YOU GAS!!" Another shouted.
"LEAVE THIS PLACE WHILE YOU'RE STILL ABLE TO MOVE UNDER YOUR OWN POWER!!!"
"Tell me again why you let the false alarms live in our dining room?" Jack asked Sarah.
"They're good at helping me get out of crappy dates," Sarah replied.
"IF YOU EAT TOO MUCH YOU WON'T HAVE ROOM FOR JELLO!!"
"Fools!" Hoggle shouted, wagging his fork at the great stone faces. "There's always room for Jello!!"
"YEAH FRANK, GEEZE. AT LEAST BE A LITTLE BELIEVABLE..." One face said to the another.
"RIGHT, RIGHT, SORRY..."
"No one's taking my egg salad!" Blix said to Meg Mucklelbones as they stood at the back of the line and watched everyone else go through the food.
"Don't look at me," she said, holding up her hands. "I'm allergic to eggs."
"Really?"
"How do you think I got this hump?"
"It's a good egg salad!" Blix stammered, ranting again. "I made it myself! Oh man, if no one eats it I'll just die! Everyone's taking that thing the dog made, but not my egg salad? What be up with that!?"
"Bla bla bla..." Meg said, waving a shiny hand about. "You don't hear me complaining about no one eating my meat pie do you?"
"Considering you never let go of it, no."
"Eh?" Meg asked looking down at her hands and seeing the pan of meat pie sitting there. "Well look at that!" She cackled slightly.
"Ludo eat milk bone." Ludo said, putting one of the bones Didymus had brought onto his plate.
"I say, good choice, brother! A fine year those are, aged to perfection!"
"What year are they?" Pox asked, sniffing at the bowl with his snout.
"This year..." Didymus replied, looking at Pox like he had just asked the stupidest question ever. He turned his attention back to Ludo. "What did you bring, my brother?"
"Ludo bring cake and pi.... Ludo bring cake," Ludo said, correcting himself mid-sentence.
"Cake? I say, that does sound good! I shall have to be sure to save room for desert!"
"This looks good," Gump said, grabbing a spoon that rested in a pile of potato salad.
"It's not," one of the guardians of the doors said.
"What?"
"He made it," he said pointing at the other guardian across the table. "It's horrible."
"It's not! That's a lie!" the red one said.
"You're the one that lies!" the blue one shot back.
"What a lie!"
"Oh!" Gump said, "You're those strange folk that one always tell the truth and one always lies, aren't you?"
"Aye," a voice said from under the shield, near the floor. "That's all I know... I'm done..."
"So which is it?" Gump asked.
"He's the liar." The red one pointed at the blue one.
"Liar, you are!"
"Solving it is kinda tricky," Sarah said, walking by Gump and patting him on the shoulder.
"Is it?" Gump asked. He looked at the blue one. "Am I wearing a shirt?"
"Er... Yes..."
"Well there you go..." Gump said grabbing the spoon and putting some potato salad on his plate.
"Oh no, Brown Tom! I forgot to put out your wine!" Sarah gasped.
"That's quite all right, lass. I forgot to give it to you," he said, climbing into a chair.
"Forgot?" Screwball asked, already eating from his overloaded plate.
"Forgot, made sure I didn't, what's the difference?" he said, pulling the bottle out from under his hat and taking a swig of it.
"Oh sure, everyone eats the Fieries' spicy beef stir fry, but no one touched my egg salad!" Blix said, sounding very despondent.
"I'm allergic to eggs," Meg said.
"I know that!" Blix said throwing his empty plate in frustration.
"Aren't you going to eat?" Meg asked.
"I'm not hungry anymore."
"Well someone should eat your egg salad, it's just depressing otherwise..."
Blix folded his hands and stood in the corner. "Someone will come back for seconds, and then they'll see it, someone has to eat it... Someone has to at least try it... It's good egg salad..." he mumbled to himself.
"Whatever did you put in this casserole Darkness?" Jareth asked the large red demon. "It's absolutely delightful."
"Now, I can't give my secrets away!" Darkness said.
"Oh, please?"
"No, no, you'll just have to wonder like everyone else."
"What a horrible thing to do..." Jareth said. "You know, this is quite the nice little potluck. We should have had it at my place, though. More room you know."
"Yes, that would have been quite lovely. Except the fact no one would have made it in time."
"Oh, yes, that's right. I live in the middle of a labyrinth, don't I? Well, when you're the Goblin King you have certain expectations to live up to."
"I live in a tree," Darkness said.
"Uh huh...." Jareth said slowly, taking a bite of chicken.
"But it's a big tree!" Darkness said quickly, realizing how stupid had just sounded. "Dungeons, pillars, fireplaces, chairs... Glitter..."
"Glitter?"
"Glitter."
"Uh huh..."
"Least I'm not wearing tights," Darkness mumbled.
"Eh?"
"Nothing..."
"By the bog of eternal stench..." Hoggle mumbled with a mouth full of food.
"What's that Hermaphrodite?" Jack asked.
"Herpes," Lily corrected him.
"That's Hoggle!" he growled.
"Right, Higgle, what's wrong now?" Jack asked.
Hoggle glared at Jack then turned his attention back to Oona, who had just entered the room in her large form with a plate of food. "That's the biggest fairy I've ever seen."
"Yeah, once her secret is known by a couple of people she just lets it go all to hell," Jack said, cutting one of the bits of meat on his plate in two before stuffing it in his mouth.
Hoggle looked at the fly swatter in his hand. "I'm going to need something bigger..." he said, hopping out of his chair. "Like a 12 gauge..."
"You know what I could go for now?" Brown Tom asked, rubbing his large belly after cleaning his plate.
"Fifths?" Screwball asked.
"Apple Pie."
"Dessert is in the kitchen," Sarah said. "Come on, I'll serve you up something."
"You got apple pie?" he asked, hopping down off his chair.
"No, sadly, no apple pie."
Ludo looked around nervously.
They walked into the kitchen, the desserts lined one of the counters, looking very delicious. "Is that a rock?" Brown Tom asked, noticing Ludo's cake.
"No, that's a chocolate cake." She raised an eyebrow, she picked up a knife and cut it, "Yeah it's chocolate cake." It really did look like a rock.