HOBBITON:
Gandalf: "He's left you Bag-End."
Frodo: All right! (scampers for the door) "Sam! Merry! Pippin! Orgy at my place!!"
***
RIVENDELL:
Gandalf: "By the skills of Lord Elrond, you're beginning to mend."
Elrond: "Welcome to Rivendell, Mr. Anderson."
Gandalf: (stands and whispers in Elrond's pointy ear)
Elrond: (coughs) "Uh, that is.... Welcome to Rivendell, Frodo Baggins."
***
MORIA:
(After the incident with the Watcher in the Water)
Boromir: "Good lord, Aragorn! Rope your hobbit in!"
Aragorn: "He's not mine! He's Gandalf's little pet project!"
Gandalf: (stridently) "He's not mine!"
Legolas: (rolling eyes) "Well, someone had better put him on a short leash! The halfling does nothing but get into trouble!"
Merry: (piping up) "It was like that before we'd even left the Shire!"
Boromir: "One prediciment after another... and who is it that has to save his sorry little ass?!"
Legolas: "Honestly! It's almost as if...."
Boromir: "Almost as if he's...."
(Both turn to glare at Frodo.)
Frodo: (big huge wobbly blue eyes filling with tears) "My mother and father died young, and then no one really wanted me. *snif* And Uncle Bilbo was horrid and mean and he never ever gave me any hugs! *choke* I just wanted a little attention. *throb* Was that so wrong?"
Other three hobbits: "Oh, Frodo!" (fall on weeping Ringbearer in a group hug-tumble)
Gandalf: "Oh, good lord!"
Aragorn: (rolls eyes)
Boromir: "Make them stop!"
Legolas: (gagging)
***
{Aragorn and Boromir sit side by side in Moria. Aragorn is companionably smoking a pipe. They exchange a glance.}
Aragorn: "You know, there are only two of us Men in this company."
Boromir (frowns): "Your point?"
Aragorn: "Well, one of us is expendable. One of us is going to die." (puffs on his pipe)
Boromir (suspiciously): "Again, your point?"
Aragorn (leans back, puffing contentedly): "I'm going to be King."
Boromir: "......Dammit!"
***
Gandalf: "If in doubt, Meriadoc, always follow your nose."
Merry: "Oy! Was that a crack about the size of my nose?!"
Pippin: "Well, why not, Merry? You've got a great honker!"
Merry: *THWACK!*
Pippin: "Ow....."
Frodo: "You asked for that, you know, Pip."
***
Aragorn: (coughing) "Well, Legolas and I are going to go ahead and... er, scout out our road."
Gandalf: (knowingly) "Mm-hm...."
Merry: (perplexed) "You've been scouting ahead every few hours for days now; don't you think we might need you here?"
Pippin: (piping up) "And you're gone for half an hour every time!"
Boromir: (smirks) "If it were me 'scouting', it would take an hour or more... every time."
Legolas: (quite interested) "Really?"
Aragorn: (growling in undertone to Boromir) "Stay away from MY elf, Gondorian!"
Boromir: (murmuring) "Don't be greedy, future king."
Aragorn: (glares)
****
LOTHLORIEN:
{Lord Celeborn and Lady Galadriel descend the stairs.}
{The lady casts a pure glowing white light upon the Nine Companions.}
Merry: "I... I feel dirty!"
Pippin (looks at him): "You are dirty!"
Merry: "Yes, but... but suddenly I'm aware of the dirt!"
Pippin (sniffs armpit).
Aragorn: "When I said leave all that could be spared, I didn't mean the food!!"
Legolas & Gimli: "Oops...."
***
LEGOLAS, THE DIRECTIONALLY CHALLENGED
Aragorn: "Legolas, what do your elf eyes see?"
Legolas: "The Uruks turn north-east! They're taking the hobbits to Isengard!"
Aragorn: *stares at him incredulously*
Gimli: *begins to snigger*
Legolas: "What? What did I say?"
Aragorn: *puts an arm round his shoulders and pulls out a map, inviting Legolas to unroll and take a look*
Gimli: *goes from sniggering to whooping with laughter*
Legolas: *stiffly* "Well, forgive ME, then. How many times do you think we see the sun in Mirkwood? I'm altogether turned 'round on these plains."
Gimli: *dies*
Aragorn: *sighs and rolls the map up* "We go north-west, then."
Legolas: *now very offended* "Quite."
***
Eomer: What business does an Elf, a Man, and a Dwarf have in the Riddermark? Stop me if you've heard this one...
Gimli: Wait, wait, I have heard this one!
Aragorn: Gimli...
Eomer: Speak quickly!
Gimli: It ends with the dwarf spitted on a phalanx of spears, doesn't it? Give me your name, horsemaster...
Eomer: I would cut off your head, dwarf, if it stood a little higher from the ground!
Gimli: See! I knew it ended with the dwarf getting knocked off!
***
EDORAS:
Hama demands they remove all their weapons. They spend five minutes disarming themselves. Finally, Aragorn removes a dagger from....
Legolas: "Aragorn! And all this time I thought you were happy to see me!"
***
Overview of "TTT" from Aragorn's POV:
I've got to deal with a cranky wizard, a jealous, bitchy elf, a belligerent dwarf, a horny shieldmaiden of Rohan, and my fiance is leaving for Valinor. I've been molested by wargs and been kissed by a horse, and now Legolas is yelling at me and Theoden seems to think I'm his sidekick. I am NOT having a good time!
I should have gone with Frodo....