Cloud: "I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay...."
Bugenhagen: "Ho ho hooooo.... MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!"
Hojo: *sincerely* "I just want to make the world a better place."
Palmer: "Tell me the truth; does this suit make my ass look big?"
Jenova: "Sephiroth, you were adopted."
Reno: "But what I really want to do, is get into acting someday."
Barret: *to enemy* "Oops! Sorry! Sorry! That looked like it hurt! Here, have an X-Potion!"
Cecil: "Rosa, I'm sorry. But it's Kain that I love. I'm sure you understand...."
Celes: "Locke, you and Edgar are so cute together! I'm just getting in the way! But... can I watch sometime?"
Ultros: "I'm dying!" *gurglegackchoke*
Vincent: "S'cuse me while I whip this out."
Cloud: "Wow, Cid! That's a long... harpoon you have there!"
Tifa: "Implants? Why, yes, I had implants. Why do you ask?"
Aeris: "Buy my flowers, you #$&$(^&#!!!"
Tseng: "Suck my cock, Heidegger, Scarlet! Get yourselves a new monkey-boy! I'm running off to Costa del Sol with Rufus, and we're going to fuck each other until our brains melt!"
Cloud: "That's MR. Bitch to you!"
Squall: "I'm sorry, Rinoa. Now that your charm spell has worn off, Irvine and I are eloping to Fisherman's Horizon, and... SCREW YOU!!!"
Laguna: *smacks forehead* "What was I thinking?! I'm SO gay!! Kiros, come back to me, my love!!!"
Cloud: "My contact lense! I lost my contact lense! Nobody move!"
DualHorn: *grunts*
Tifa: "Cloud! Your eyes are really... BROWN?!"
Yuffie: *points* "Oh my god, Red XIII, your tail's ON FIRE!!!"
Red XIII: "What?! Ah!! Put me out, put me out, put me out!!" *runs in mad circles*
Cid: *dies laughing*
Chocobo: "Wark!" *peck-peck-peck*
"Wark!" *peck-peck-peck*
"Wark!" *peck-peck-peck*
"Wark!" *peck-peck-peck*
"Wark!" *peck-peck-peck*
"WARK!" *ruffles feather indignantly and runs off*
Cid: *rubbing pecked head* "Goddamn it, Cloud!"
Cloud: "It wasn't me! It was the counterattack materia!"
Cid: "Like hell -- the bird did not attack you, Cloud!"
Cloud: "........"
Yuffie: "Well, at least we still have some gysal greens left."
Cloud's Mother: "Cloud, I think it's time I told you the truth. You were an illegitimate child. Your real father is... Sephiroth."
Cloud: "Noooooooooo~!!!!"
Cloud's Mother: "Cloud, I think it's time I told you the truth. You were an illegitimate child. Your real father is... Vincent."
Cloud: *blinks* "Say what?"
Cloud's Mother: "Cloud, I think it's time I told you the truth. You were an illegitimate child. Your real father is... Hojo."
Cloud: *grabs Zax's Buster Sword and slices his own throat* "Gurgle"
Cloud's Mother: "Cloud, I think it's time I told you the truth. You were an illegitimate child. Your real father is... a chocobo."
Cloud: "....."
Cloud's Mother: "Well, I mean, it makes perfect sense. Look at your hair. And your pretty blue eyes."
Cloud: "....."
Cloud's Mother: "Look, I was lonely, and Tifa's mother had just snapped up Nibelheim's only eligible bachelor. Can you really blame a lonely young woman?"
Cloud: *passes out*
Cloud's Mother: "Damn. I knew I shouldn't have told him."
Cloud: *flips hand through his hair, a la Rufus* I don't want to talk right now.
Bee: All right, all right. Geez, you're so moody! Come on, everyone's waiting.
Cloud: Everyone?
Bee: Here they are. All right, everyone.
"One, two, one, two..." A herd of men, masculine men with gay moustaches, storms into the group room. Cloud jumps out of their way into the foreground.
Mukki: Yeah!! Wassup!! *nikonikoniko*
Cloud: Oh man... What should I do? This could be dangerous... Looks like I'm always going to be facing crises all my life.
Mukki: Heave...pant... Don't be so embarrassed! Loosen up, bubby! *heave...pant...* Let's wash off all our sweat and dirt together! Wassup!!
The men nod, and converge on Cloud. Camera pans up to head-level and ceiling only.
Mukki: Bubby! You're the intimate type, huh!! *heave...pant...* Wow!! Would ya look at that!
Camera pans further up as everyone piles into the tub. For a moment the only thing visible is the ceiling, then we view the bathtub with everyone in it. In the bathtub, only their heads are visible. *rhythmic, wet sloppy drippy noises*
Mukki: Isn't bathing great...? It soothes your heart. How is it, bubby? Feels good, huh?
Cloud: It hurts. Too stuffy in here...
Mukki: You'll get used to it. Try counting to ten.
Cloud, by the way, is bobbing up and down in Mukki's lap in the tub. All we can see is his spiky blond head verrrrry close to Mukki's.
Cloud: Ten...nine...
Mukki: Hey, bubby, how old are you?
Cloud: Eight...twenty one...
Mukki: You're less than half my age. I'm so jealous. So how 'bout it...? Do you wanna join my 'young bubby's' group?
Cloud..... Seven.... Six.... Not to be rude or anything, but could you go do someone else?
Mukki: Well, if that's how you feel...too bad. We have a trip planned at a cabin out in the country.
Cloud: Five...four....three...two....one... All right, that's ten. I'm gettin' out.
Mukki: Why don't you stick around and play a bit? Daddy's so lonely...
Camera pans further up. Pans over.
Camera pans down on the group, all heaving their pecs at Cloud.
Mukki: Bubby! This is important to me. Here's a memento of our time together.
Received Key Item: Bikini Briefs.
Mukki: Hope we meet again!
Cloud: This is SOME underwear...I'm supposed to wear this...?