The Kick Financial Butt Variant

The Kick Financial Butt Variant

Oh, this guy is rich - his mythical company investigates these and he's recommending this one. And he even has the nerve to quote the URL to MY anti-MMF pages as a validation that this is legal. Whatta moron!!!! It's obvious to me that he never read these pages, or has the IQ of a slug three weeks after consuming a breakfast of Deadline. Or both.

"Subject: "The ART of KICKING FINANCIAL BUTT ($)"
Path:lobby01.news.aol.com!newstf02.news.aol.com!portc03.blue.aol.com!news-out.in
ternetmci.com!newsfeed.internetmci.com!204.59.152.222!news-peer.gsl.net!news.g
sl.net!gip.net!news.maxwell.syr.edu!vncnews!newsfeed2.vnc.net!192.102.249.13.MISM
ATCH!nntp3.cerf.net!news4.wt.net!not-for-mail
From: Kent Adams 
Newsgroups: alt.appalachian
Date: 10 Oct 1997 11:13:43 GMT
Organization: World Trade Network, Inc.
Lines: 296
Message-ID: <61L2L7$CLA$1@NEWS4.WT.NET>
NNTP-Posting-Host: wt-d5-149.wt.net"

***************************************************************

The ART of KICKING FINANCIAL BUTT ($)

"Dear Friend from Akron, Chicago, LA, NYC, Houston, Phoenix, Seattle, Detroit, San Francisco, Tampa, Paris, London, Cairo, Rome, or wherever :
We are financial and estate planners. We have 30 years plus experience in all phases of helping people do very well by showing them how to create wealth (in areas such as the stock market, buying or starting up their own businesses, save paying excess tax dollars, controlling and enhancing their credit worthiness, building the "nest egg" they want, locating investment money, "free" college educations for them or their children, etc.,)."

Shyeah, right. And I'm Mahatma Ghandi's wardrobe consultant. How come, if you are such high-power consultants you are running a scam like this on usenet??? Any why don't you mention your company name somewhere???

"The following program is NOT a get "rich quick scheme" that promises phenominal returns for little or no effort and a minimal investment. It is not a "chain letter" that has you send a specified sum of money and hope that for that effort someone will do the same for you. "

Really??? What, then, would you call it??? Oh, I like this next part...

"     "Chain letters are a form of gambling
       and the sending of money to participants".
  (Title 18, United States Code, Section 1302, Postal Lottery Statute)
          http://www./pacifier.com/-klucke/mmf/index.html
                     (USPS / 800-725-2161)

       THIS IS NOT A GAMBLE. DO WHAT YOU"RE TOLD TO DO AND IT WORKS!
        DON'T DO WHAT YOU'RE TOLD and "IT'S GUARANTEED NOT TO WORK""

First off, you quote the Postal Inspector's service page, right where it says:"Do not be fooled if the chain letter is used to sell inexpensive reports on credit, mail order sales, mailing lists, or other topics. The primary purpose is to take your money, not to sell information. 'Selling' a product does not ensure legality.", while further down, you propose that since this is a mailing list, it is a "legitimate service". Are you a moron, or just ... Never mind, I can't think of another option that might even come close to fitting.
Next, you quote the old URL for these pages themselves [before they got moved here to the stopspam.org website], where all this is explained in language that even YOU should be able to understand. Did you actually read any of those pages you quote from or give pointers to????

"What the program does is show you how to get involved in the mailing list development and management business. We show you how to get started by sending 10 people a one dollar bill for the specific purpose of having them add your name to their mailing list. If this procedure is carried out to a higher level (without you making any further investments, unless you desire to do so) you will begin to receive envelopes with a one dollar bill in them and a request note enclosed asking to be added to your mailing list. You now have observed the cycle. The envelopes you receive are the evidence you have that this person belongs to your personal mailing list. This private mailing list (when it reaches a certain size) becomes rentable or saleable. We show you how this is done. This is a legitimate business and the results will always be in direct proportion to the effort you put in."

I might as well just repeat it again here. There's no point in trying to come up with my own words once again: "Do not be fooled if the chain letter is used to sell inexpensive reports on credit, mail order sales, mailing lists, or other topics. The primary purpose is to take your money, not to sell information. 'Selling' a product does not ensure legality."

"We publish and market numerous articles, pamplets and programs covering just about any subject dealing with money or wealth (creation, accumulation, enhancement, retainment and enjoyment) for our clients all over the world."

Yeah? Name some of them, or some of the articles you have published? Stupid spamming scammer. Do you really feel that anyone with an intelligence greater than that of a half-rotten turnip would believe that a reputable company of any sort would be involved in this sort of self aggrandizing idiocy?

"Believe us, what works in America, usually works all over the world in those societies which "agressively" pursue the yen, the franc, the dollar, etc. The cost for most of our programs range from $10.00 (when emailed) to $20.00 for a hard copy and more for a lecture or seminar (prices available)."

Ooooo... You're really big time, you know that? I'd like to see one of those seminars, myself. Could you quote me a price on one for just this particular scam you are foisting? I'd pay good hard money to get you into a seminar on this - only one restriction... I get to have MY say, too, as I would be paying for it. Shall we set it up for next week? I can even get television and radio coverage if you want to give you a broader audience to make a fool of yourself in front of.

"The very rapid changes to the "online" marketing industry has forced us to discontinue the magazine, newspaper, television, radio (etc.) advertising during the past two years and focus on a much more "cost and consumer" effective method of serving our current and potentially "future" clients."

Yes, it's called "spam" or "UCE" and it costs the consumer money, not the perpetrator of it. It also pisses tens of thousands of people off to where they will never do business with you under any circumstances. That is, of course, only relevant to actual businesses, not scams like this.

"We are continually updating and staying abreast of any changes in our area of expertise."

Yes, the scam du jour is definitely what you are an expert in, alrighty.

"(stated above). Whenever we find an interesting idea or program that we feel our clients will benefit from, we follow a very thorough and complicated testing procedure several times so we can determine with some degree of certainty or predictability what the final results or outcome will be. Then and only then we modify and customize the new program to fit our stringent standards and then we "online market" the new program worldwide."

Good God, do you really expect me to believe that claptrap? So. Let's see some of the actual testing methods that you use, huh? Name them, name the statistical analysis that has been done from them, name the control studies to compare them to, and let's get some of those facts out here in the open, huh? I thought not.

"The following program is an astounding one. You probably have seen it or something like it somewhere (ie. newsgroups). We had to attempt it. We had to know if it was valid, legal and simple to implement. Don't take it for granted. Don't believe what you hear about it not working! The return on your dollar is more than "phenominal". Those that fail have never followed anything "step-by-step" or they can't read or they are lazy or ignorant or they try to take advantage of the system!"

Yes, it's an oustanding scam. And you are a liar - but not a very outstanding one, as your lies are so transparent.

"We have changed up a few things to give it more power and a greater return potential. The results were staggering (to say the least)! Many of our own employees are using this program and have used it in the past. Some of them have "retired" (to our dismay!) because of their returns."

Gosh, that's just a crying shame, huh? Can you, like, give me some real names and phone numbers to veriify all this? I think the staggering that you experienced was probably due to too much alcohol consumption. Those motivational Kool-Aid six-packs you drink while sitting around in your torn and dirty undershorts, belching salami sandwiches, while making this whole thing up tend to do that.

"The most profound (but simplest) change we made was to use $10.00 and 10 names instead of the five dollar/five name or six dollar/six name method."

Ayup. So unique that it was the basis if the original Dave Rhodes chain letter that landed him in Federal Prison years before the "internet" (sic - this is usenet, buddy) was even conceived of.

"The results have been overwhelming. The only problem we foresee is the massive and foreboding (ominous) "TAX" burden we have created. It appears that our own "tax" (deferment) programs we have developed will have to position and maneuver us around in our inevitable and increased future dealings with the IRS."

Oh, sure. Right. Uh.huh. I can see that that would be a real problem. Tell ya what - to cover your tax burden on your entire results from this, I'll mail you $0.29 tomorrow. Tell me - what do you put in that motivational Kool-Aid besides LSD?

"LET'S GET STARTED!!"

Right. It's about time, now that you have gotten done Tooting Your Own Imaginary Horn. Now we get down to the real scam part of it, as the hype is done.

"We hate these postings probably as much as you do!"

I doubt that seriously. One clue would be that you are perpetuating it, rather than canceling it, like I do.

"We read them all the time (20 full time employees do nothing but "read" newsgroups, business and financial listings / anything to do with "creating wealth")."

Is that before or after all those retirements that you had because they made so much money off of this? I'm going to get real tired of that "We" crap. I suppose you are probably counting the cooties in those dirty shorts. Whatever.

" We find many programs. We test and most of them. We have found many great programs that we are very fond of."

I don't doubt that you fall for and try every scam that comes down the pike. Your obvious intelligence level makes me quite sure of that. Never had any doubt, actually.

"But, this is the simplest and cheapest to implement, with the greatest profit potential we have ever seen!"

Well, that's pretty good. What else did you look at... that stuffing envelopes for $3 per envelope scam?

"WE HATE GET RICH QUICK SCHEMES!!"

Obviously not enough to avoid them.

"We hate those schemes like multi-level marketing, mail-order schemes, envelope stuffing scams, 900 number scams and the list goes on forever. We have tried every "get rich quick scheme" out there for the past 3 years."

I doubt that not. Did you try any of the legal MLMs, or just the scam/illegal ones?

"We probably are on every mailing list on the internet. We do test a lot of programs out, but this knowledge helps us be more informative and reliable for our clients!"

I doubt it. If you were, you would be getting tens of thousands of letters hourly. But it's just another lie/exaggeration from your stupid imagination anyway. I hope for your sake that your imaginary clients are dumber than you are. Oh, I forgot... quite impossible, I'm afraid.

"WE LOVE THE INTERNET!!! We were scanning thru a newsgroup and saw an article titled GET CASH FAST!! "Here on the Internet? Well, We just had to see what schemes could possibly be on the internet." The article described a way to MAIL A ONE DOLLAR BILL TO ONLY FIVE PEOPLE AND MAKE $50,000 IN CASH WITHIN 4 WEEKS! Well, the more We thought about it, the more we became very curious. Why? Because of the way it worked AND BECAUSE IT WOULD ONLY COST FIVE DOLLARS (AND FIVE STAMPS). THAT'S ALL WE EVER PAY--EVER!!!"

Gosh, that sounds vaguely familiar. Could it be that it's because 8 out of 10 of these scam variants start with a similar introduction? As a matter of fact, the next few paragraphs are so identical to a standard version, that I don't need to tear it apart for the studio audience, if you have been paying attention at all throughout these variants. BTW, Usenet is NOT the internet.

"We decided to put it to the test and did it!! As per the instructions in the article, we mailed out ("snail mail" for you email fanatics) a single dollar bill to each of the five people on the list that was contained in the article. We included a small note with the dollar that stated "Please Add Me To Your List." We then removed the first position name of the five names listed and moved everyone up one position, putting our name in position five of the list. This is how the money starts rolling in! We then took this revised article--now with our name on the list--and REPOSTED IT ON AS MANY NEWSGROUPS AND LOCAL BULLETIN BOARD MESSAGE AREAS THAT WE COULD! We then waited to watch the money come in, prepared to maybe receive about $1,000 to $1,500 in cash or so. But what a welcome surprise when those envelopes kept coming in!!! We knew what they were as soon as we saw the return addresses from people all over the world--but, mostly from the U.S."

Our initial returns for our $5.00 investment came to $37,989. 10 months ago we decided to implement our $10.00/10 name program. As of this posting, using the $10.00 / 10 name base, we have taken in 29 times more than the original the amount we received with the $5.00 / $5.00 program. You must understand that we followed this program to the letter as you should do. It all boils done to how many newsgroups you post to and the quality of each group! Some of them are marvelous and fun: some of them very low (single-celled) on the cerebral food chain! You'll figure it out.

You must follow through and repost this article everywhere you can think of! The number of postings you make will determine how much cash will arrive in your mailbox!! It's just too easy to pass up!!! Let's review the reasons why you should do this. The only cost factors are ten stamps, ten envelopes and ten one dollar bills that you send out to the listed names by "snail mail" (U.S. Postal Service mail). Then just simply repost the article (WITH YOUR NAME ADDED) to all the newsgroups and local BBS's you can. Then sit back and wait and watch. You won't believe your eyes!
We all have ten dollars to put into such an easy, effortless investment with SPECTACULAR, REALISTIC RETURNS OF $5,000 to $10,000 (the actual amounts were 9 times larger in a 12 week period, but we feel better using lower dollar amounts so you won't think the predictions were too high!)in about 3-8 weeks (the only thing we can't control is how many postings you make). There are more than 47,000 newsgroups just waiting for you to "post" this program to them!"

Oh, wow! Thank you for being so conservative, even though you claim to have tested this thing and it has worked for so many of your "employees" [is that what you call the cockroaches climbing up the wall in front of you, or maybe it's the "snakes" after a particularly busy night with your ego-enhancers (motivational Kool-Aids)?]. It makes me feel so much more sure about this whole deal. If you've got all that documentation, why don't you tell it like it is???
Standard instructions coming up, I'm not going to dissect them See you again at the Moron List....

"This is how it is done!

INSTRUCTIONS:

1. Take a sheet of paper and write on it the following: "Please add my name to your list." Make sure you also include your name and address. This creates a legal service out of this money-making system legal. You are not just randomly sending a dollar to someone, but you are paying one dollar for a legitimate service (to be placed on his mailing list). Everyone on the 10 name list in this program knows what you want and they will gladly perform the service (adding your name to their mailing list).

2. Now fold this sheet of paper around a dollar bill (no checks or money orders). Put them into an envelope and send it on its way to the ten people listed. The folding of the paper around the bill will insure its arrival to its recipient. THIS STEP IS IMPORTANT!!

3. Now, listen carefully. Here's where you get YOUR MONEY COMING TO YOUR MAILBOX. Look at the list of ten people. Remove the first name from position #1 and move everyone on the list up one slot. Position #2 name will now move to the position #1 slot, position #3 will now become position #2, position #4 will become #3, position #5 will become #4 and so on. After moving all the names up one space, now put your name, address, zipcode AND COUNTRY in the #10 position.

4. Now, upload this updated file to as many newsgroups and local bulletin boards message areas and file sections as possible. Use a "money making" or "business opportunity" description of your program so it gets noticed!

5. If you need help uploading, simply ask the sysop of the BBS,or "POST" a message on a newsgroup asking how to post a file. Tell them who your internet provider is and PEOPLE WILL ALWAYS BE GLAD TO HELP. We would try to describe how to do it but there are simply too many internet software packages with slightly different yet relatively simple ways to post or upload a file. Just ask for help or look in the help section for "posting." Place a one-line statement in the main body section of the message post screen. Something like

"Download this to read how to get cash arriving in your mailbox with no paybacks!" or whatever. Just make sure it represents its true feasibility, NOT something like: "Get one million dollars flooding into your mailbox in two days!" You'll never get ANY responses!

6. And this is the step we like. JUST SIT BACK AND WAIT! Expect to see a few envelopes trickle in around the 3rd week. At about WEEK 4 thru 6, you will see a surge of envelopes hit your mailbox! If the "tricle" seems too slow, "repost" to more newsgroups! You've got to work the program for it to work.

The only hard part is receiving, handling, counting and depositing all those $1.00 bills! But you'll get used to it!

7. After you have reposted several times and you have had good returns and yourmailing list is growing, call let's show you how to invest that excess and put your new found wealth to work for you.

8. Now when you get low on this money supply, simply re-activate this file again, reposting it in the old places where you originally posted and possibly some new places you now know of. Don't ever lose this file. Always keep a copy within reach for when you ever need cash. THIS IS AN INCREDIBLE TOOL THAT YOU CAN ALWAYS RE-USE TIME AND TIME AGAIN WHEN CASH IS NEEDED! ***************************************************************************
THE NAMES LIST THE NAMES LIST THE NAME LIST
***************************************************************************

"HONESTY WILL MAKE THIS WORK""

No, it won't. Nothing will make this work. It's illegal, it's a scam, and mathematically, it would fall apart after a few iterations [if they actually worked] because you would exceed the population of the earth - well, of human beings, that is. Probably have a couple more levels to go to exceed your species, the cockroach.

1. ICEICC P.O. Box 2037 P.V.P, CA 90275 USA 2. Paul Kim 2323 Wellington Est. Chesterfield, MO 63017 USA 3. Behrang Parvin 27961 N. Ridgecove Ct. Rancho Palos Verdes, CA 90275 USA 4. Brigham H. Amand 209 Ray Street A Newark, DE 19716 USA 5. J. Thompson 11007 Brockbank Dallas, TX 75229 USA 6. Nathanial Scott 910 Chase Lake Drive Jonesboro GA 30236 USA 7. Kim Shawm 3030 Elmside (#183) Houston, TX 77042 USA 8. Brandon Lawrence 1620 Enclave Pkwy (#3106g) Houston, TX 77077 USA 9. Pamela Adams 3030 Elmside (#183) Houston, TX 77042 USA 10. TAG 3030 Elmside (#183) Houston, TX 77042 USA

Mr. Rogers might say... "Can you say complete morons?.... Very good, I knew you could...." Amazing how three of the last 4 names have the same address, and the fourth is in the same town, isn't it?

"**********************************************************************

NOTE: Keep a list of everyone that sends you a dollar (remember, they asked you to add them to your list). Save the envelope that they sent. This is the evidence that you may need to prove you are the rightful owner of that persons name on your mailing list. This mailing list if developed properly and maintained can be "rented" out for a one time usage for thousands of dollars from mailing list brokers (see large metropolitan "yellow pages" for a list of "list brokers". One of our "lists" (from this program) rents for $5,000 per single usuage. If we sold the list "outright", we would get more than $85,000.00 for it! Our largest list has over 3,000,000 names of our clients on it. We were recently offered $2,500,000 for it in an outright sale. We declined because we are at a point where we receive more revenue "renting" our lists than we earn with some of our programs and services!"

C'mon, give me a break. Even for someone who might be inclined to believe your other garbage, this is getting too far out into left field. 2.5 Million dollars for your list???? Yeah, right. You must be sniffing something in addition to taking all that other stuff we talked about earlier. I'm glad you live in such a fantasy world. You need something, and while a brain might be better for you, at least this keeps you occupied.

"The companies that will rent or buy your mailing lists. We have used each of them at one time or the other. They are the "best" in the business:

DUNHILL INTERNATIONAL LIST CO., INC. (800) 386-4455 METROMAIL CORPORATION (800) 316-2637 INTERNATIONAL BUSINESS LISTS, Ltd (800) 535-0350 FIRST DATA INFOSOURCE/DONNELLEY MKTG (800) 474-2906 EXPERIAN (800) 435-5478 COMPILERS PLUS (800) 431-2914 DATA MASTERS (800) 363-9672 DATABASE AMERICA/ED BURNETT (800) 551-1533 DIRMARK LISTS (800) 950-5428 DUNN & BRADSTREET (800) 781-1600 A CALDWELL LIST COMPANY (800) 241-7425"

Oh, yes. I firmly believe that D & B have bought your mailing lists from you. They use so many of them. I seriously doubt that they will take kindly to your bandying their names around like this involved in an illegal scam. I'll be sure to let them know, and I hope their lawyers come looking for you with blood in their eyes.

" (Save those envelopes / they are worth thousands!).�

Really!? How nice, all those envelopes that I wouldn't have put at over a penny each are worth thousands? Gosh. I hope I get some of those in the mail. Mine are just plan old boring everyday envelopes.

"Always keep an eye on the local postings of this file, just to make sure that everyone is playing the game fairly. You know where your name should be. AGAIN, HONESTY IS THE BEST THING WE HAVE GOING FOR US ON THIS PLAN. By the way, if you try to deceive people by posting the messages with your name in the list and not sending the money to the people already included, you will be very disappointed. This program is a mathematical progression chain and if you are a "weak link" you will receive a "weak links" return! (maybe $100 to $400) Still not bad, but not $5,000.00 to $100,000.00 or more you thought you would receive (why do you think that with only a double ($5 to $10) increase in the investment, the returns were 29 times more?) Because were dealing with a mathematical progression money equation without a "weak link"! Don't be one!"

So stupid it doesn't even deserve comment, other than has already been made elsewhere about the psychic abilities of the other scam artists to know when you have cheated. Maybe you should try PC-SUPER-MLM or one of those others that supposedly doesn;t allow you to unlock the program until you get the codes from the other victims of, er, participants in, the scam, er, business.

"Remember there are no guarantees, "

Uh, earlier, you said (and I quote):
THIS IS NOT A GAMBLE. DO WHAT YOU"RE TOLD TO DO AND IT WORKS!
Did you not really mean that?

"because we don't know how many newsgroups you'll post to and how hard you'll work the program. Work it easy and lazily and you'll be saying, "I KNEW IT WOULD'T WORk? Work it hard and consistant and you'll say "WHERE DID ALL THIS MONEY COME FROM? (But, you'll know!)"

Yes, and so will your ISP, 'cause the more you post, the more complaints they will get. Hope you have another one lined up - the one you are on isn't gonna last long.

"Finally, We hope you will need us in the future. We offer so many financial advice programs that help many clients, we believe we can help you manage your new found wealth. You will need our expertise."

Excuse me, but you owe me for a computer monitor and keyboard cleaning - I couldn't help spewing my Coke all them it with that comment. It even dribbled out my nose, and you know how irritating that is.

"Our real purpose in this posting is to guide you to toward creating your own wealth, then help you manage your estate!"

Your real purpose is to trick me into participating in this scam with your lies and garbage, hoping that I will send you a buck. Not a chance, idiot. By the way, I canceled your articles as quicly as I found them. So sue me, with all those millions you have made.

" "WE WANT YOU AS A FUTURE CLIENT!!""

Not a chance, fathead. I still am waiting to hear even the name of your fantastic company, so how, if in the name of God I suddenly had a stroke or something and lost my reason and decided to participate in this scam, would I be able to contact you?

"Yes! We've made a huge profit from this and our other programs. BUT, we always get better returns when we earn our clients business in the financial arenas of managing, investing, protecting and sheilding their new found WEALTH!!"

You couldn't manage the wealth of a three-year-old's piggybank (after you stole it from them).

"Now take off with this program and KICK SOME FINANCIAL BUTT!!"

I'd rather kick your flatulent butt, but those dirty shorts concern me. I think I'll pass this time.

Return to the MMF Variant Page

Return to the Make Money Fast Myth Home Page

All comments within these pages are expressed as personal opinions only.