The Rambler Variant
This one was posted under the highly confidence inspiring title of "$$$$$$$$$$$ EASY FAST CASH - THIS IS NO SCAM $$$$$$$$$$" Makes me want to jump right in, how about you? Let's keep track of how often this guy tells us it's legitimate. Could be going for a record here, even though it's a fairly short article. I call this one "The Rambler" for reasons which will become apparent soon enough.
"$5, plus the costs of 5 envelopes, 5 peices of paper, 5 stamps and a couple of hours on a computer and get $50,000 or more back in about six week!!!!!!"
Here we start out with a sentence that starts from nowhere. No introduction to what's going on, no clue other than what we already know will be the pitch. Highly intelligent start, buddy.
"Invest in this TOTALY LEGITIMATE opportunity,"
That's one. Two, actually, if you count the title of the article. (I'm not going to take the space to counter this every time in this article, you should know it by heart by now if you've read any of the others I've torn apart. Just once, for the record, though.... oh, well, why should I waste space? Just go see the US Postal Inspectors' Service Chain Letter page to check this out.)
"Remember that this is legal,"
That's three.
"so you should report the profit of your investment on your taxes."
I'm not even going to comment on the stupidity of that statement.
"Hi, I saw this news group posting and decided to invest $7 into it and see what I get in return. Hey whats $7 ? Keep my address and keep in touch on the amount of money you get. In the posting I saw the person had done this before and made $47,326 in six weeks with his $5 and the cost of the stamps to mail the $5 to the five people on the list. If you do more than the 200 listings you will make more money."
Uhm... this guy seems to be on drugs or something... he tends to ramble about quite a bit without really having a clear topic. Something about $7 and keeping in touch, though. Or is it $5? I don't know, he doesn't seem to have this down very well... I'm sure he'll tell us again how legal it is, though.
"In this day what does $7 get you, and with all the people on the internet you are going to get your $7 back in days."
It could probably get you a cheap book on grammar, sentence construction, and the use of proper punctuation. You'd be better off in the long run, I assure you.
"Please keep in touch I'm #5 on the list and have fun watching the money roll in."
You keep saying "keep in touch." Why? Isn't my $1 enough for you? Are you so starved for attention that you want the people you are trying to scam to continue to keep in touch with you? Especially after they figure it out? By the way, I had already figured out you were #5 - that's where most of the people who post these things are.Of course there are some that are even more stupid and put themselves higher on the list thinking it will make them more money., when in reality it just drops them off the list that much sooner (if indeed this thing ever really worked).
"Make $50,000 with a small amount of effort and a small cost of only $7 and a few hours of computer work. "
You're rambling on again about that $7. Try to stick to one train of thought. Ooops, sorry, I should have realized that your trains of thought all apparently derailed some time ago.
"This is a chance for the average person to get ahead in life so please send out $5 and put a little effort into your postings, and then watch the money roll in."
Do you ever stop repeating yourself and get to the point? Do you ever stop repeating yourself and get to the point? Do you ever stop repeating yourself and get to the point?
"This investment will cost you only $5, five 32 cent stamps, envelopes, paper and a little computer work. If YOU and EVERY OTHER INVESTOR is HONEST and follows through with the plan. You will make $50,000 in about six weeks."
Do you ever stop repeating yourself and get to the point? Do you ever stop repeating yourself and get to the point? Do you ever stop repeating yourself and get to the point?
"Each invester will also make $50,000 in six weeks"
OKAY! OKAY! OK already! Geeze, get on with it!
"This is a legitimate investment opportunity."
That's four.
"When the money comes in, make a list of your investors, and you just started your own ORDER SERVICE COMPANY."
Ooooooh. I'll bet the bank will be impressed with that. Just wait until they see my P & L's, too!
"Since you are starting a company that provides a service you make the money legitimately."
That's five. Are you trying to tell me something? Or perhaps having a guilty conscience about how illegal you already know it is, you assume everyone will recognize this for the scam that it is, and that you can allay that by repeated denials of it?
"The service you provide is the "list of investors" that you have compiled."
Other than stupidity, I see nothing that they have invested in. Investment is just slightly more complex than I think you have a grasp of.
"You invest $5, and you receive a return on your investment. So does the next investor."
Maybe I should also be keeping track of the number of times you say "invest' as well... did you just learn it on Sesame Street yesterday? Big Bird was investing in something, was he? Let me go back and check.... so far, one dozen even appearances of the word invest, investment, or investors... pretty good for such a short run of incoherence. Of course, you did pretty well getting three of them in on that one line just now.
"NOT ILLEGAL, NOT A CHAIN LETTER - PERFECTLY LEGITIMATE."
Six... Seven... EIGHT... You're starting to get me pissed.
"There are other plans like this out there that ask you to send out $10 to five pepole, thats a fifty dollar investment and its hard to give $50 out when you are struggeling to pay the bills already. But with this plan you only invest about $7 and others only invest about $7."
We're back to the $7 thing again. Must be an obsession or something. Two more "invest"s in there as well, I see - that makes fourteen.
"Hey what's $7 now-a-days? You could probably find that in the cracks of your couch."
I'd hate to imagine what's in the cracks of your couch. Mine get cleaned by the housekeeper 3 times a week.
"If you are not interested, than don't participate,"
Thank you for your kind permission to decline, I thought I was under some sort of obligation to participate.
"but please print this article and pass it on to someone who may be interested, so they can take advantage."
Your best bet would be to go to the local Jr. High School and find the dropout list. Take the bottom 2/3rds of it. They may be just what you are looking for.
" THIS IS WHAT YOU DO:
The procedure is simple:
1) Write your name and address and an e-mail address, on 5 sheets of paper. Below that, write the words: "Please add me to your list". Then fold a $1 in each piece of paper (make sure the money is inside the paper, so that it can't be easily stolen, send no coins) and send them to the following five addresses:"
Yes, you would't want to have anyone steal the money you're scamming, or have to go to the trouble of counting change. Stupid Twit List coming up, folks...
"1. Jason Ebacher
Po Box 57
Kensington Mn 56343 USA
2. Peter Nicolas
19 Rue Louis Gaubert
78140 Velizy FRANCE
3. Larry Stritof
3705 E. College Way
Mount Vernon, WA 98273-9166 USA
4. Brandon Oliver
6 Rosehill Ct.
Baltimore, MD 21236 USA
5. RJ Banks
608 mountain rd
Lake Bluff, IL 60044"
As you see...
"2) Now remove the top name from the list, and move the other four names up. In other words, #5 should become #4, and so on. Put your name as the fifth one on the list. Any simple text editor will do."
I feel it would have to be simple for someone of your caliber.
"3) Post the article to at least 200 newsgroups. There are 17,000, so it shouldn't be hard to find many. Spend some time on your investment and post to as many newsgroups as you can, and the bigger the newsgroup is, the more people are to see your message and the more money you make. So post to as many as you can."
Yes, that way even more people can become outraged at your stupidity and complain to the alphabet soup of your ISP, the IRS, the USPS, the FTC and anywhere else they can think of. Add another invest mutation in there, too.
"You are now in an ORDER SERVICES BUSINESS,"
I'm going to give you a half point on that one.... you're up to 8.5 on the stupid scale. 10 is devastatingly stupid. It's a logarithmic scale (can you say logarithmic?.... I didn't think you could), like the Richter Scale for earthquakes... each number is 10 times more stupid than the one before it.
"and should start seeing returns within a week or two. Of course, the more newsgroups you post to, the greater your return is. If you wish to remain anonymous, you may use a psuedonym, call yourself, "The Manager", or "The Boss", whatever, but make sure your address is correct."
Did you look that word, "psuedonym," up somewhere? That's a pretty complicated word for you. Those are pretty impressive psuedonyms, yessirree Bob (oops, excuse me, - "RJ') And I will certainly double check my address. No sense in the Postal Inspector or any other law enforcement officers bothering the wrong people now, is there?
" HERE IS HOW THE SYSTEM MAKES MONEY:
-Of every 200 posts I made, I received 5 responses. Yes, only five. You make $5 for every 200 posts with your name at #5.
-Each person who sent you $1 now also makes 200 additional postings with your name at #4. i.e. 1000 postings. On average therefore, 50 people will send you $1 with your name at #4. $50.
-Your 50 new agents make 200 postings each with your name at #3 or 10,000 postings. Average return= $500. They make 200 postings each with your name at #2= 100,000 postings= 5,000 returns at $1 each= $5,000.
-Finally, 5,000 people make 200 postings each with your name at #1 and you get a return of $50,000 before your name drops off the list. AND THATS IF EVERYONE DOWN THE LINE MAKES 200 POSTINGS!
From time to time, when you see your name no longer on the list, you take the latest posting that appears in the newsgroups, and send out another $5, and put your name at #5, and start posting again. Remember, 200 postings is only a guideline. The more you post, the greater the return.
Let's review why you should do this. THE ONLY COST IS $5. Anyone can afford $5 for such an effortless investment with such SPECTACULAR RETURNS! "
Yes, yes... I'm not going to destroy the numbers here in this one... anyone with a brain bigger than a BB and a 4 function calculator can do it in nothing flat. See the other examples if you want to see the numbers de-toxified. I spotted another "invest" of some sort in there, as well.
"You may ask, "what happens if the scheme is played out and no one sends me money?" Big deal, you lose $5."
And you gained.
"But what are the chances of that happening? We are talking about the Internet here."
No, as I've pointed out before, we are talking about Usenet. Usenet is not Internet. that aside, that statement is like saying "The Sky is Blue. So Oranges Taste Good." There is no correlation between the two statements by which to make a valid argument. It's called fallacial reasoning. If you'd like the actual sub-type of fallacy that it is, email me and I'll explain it in one syllable words for you.
"There are millions of Internet users, and thousands more joining everyday! YOU CAN'T LOSE!! There are too many people out there to miss this message. "
Once again... "The Sky Is Blue. So Oranges taste Good." I would sure have loved to have you in a debate class (as an opponent, of course... ).
"Remember, read the instructions CARFULLY, and PLAY FAIRLY. That's the only way this will work. "
You just don't seem to understand... there is NO way this will work.
"Get a printout so you can refer to this article easily."
Yes, the instructions are so complex that I doubt I could handle it without a printed copy. Now which slot does Tab A go into? B or C?
"REMEMBER-HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY. YOU DO NOT NEED TO CHEAT THIS IDEA TO MAKE MONEY!! BESIDES, NOT PLAYING THE GAME FAIRLY IS ILLEGAL"
Playing the game at all is illegal. How can not playing fairly in an illegal game cause it to be any more illegal. You're probably one that would go to a police station to report that an illegal craps game you were playing in was rigged.
"SO LET'S BE REASONABLE"
I'm all for that... when do you propose that you will start?
"AND PLAY FAIRLY, SO WE CAN ALL ENJOY THE INTERNET GOLD MINE.
GOOD LUCK!!!! :)"
:: blech :: Final score: 9.5 on the stupid scale for repeating how legitimate this is, and 16 on the idiot of the week scale for all the "invest' variations.Congratulations, you are the winner of a terminated ISP account, 1 count of Fraud for each of your articles you posted, innumerable counts of violating the Postal Lottery Statute, a long term contract in the License Plate manufacturing plant, an enormous quantity of hate mail, and a partridge in a pear tree (it is, after all, the holiday season.... Merry Christmas.)
