The Two Things You Should Know Up Front Variant
This one starts out by telling you you can't make $50,000 at this (which we all know), but that you can make $1,500 or more (which we all know you can't). The rest of it is highly predicatable.
"TWO THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW UPFRONT:
1.YOU CAN NOT MAKE 50,000 in a month or even six months by following the instructions found in this letter, or similar ones found on the net."
Hey! An honest one for a change!
"2.You CAN make up to 1,500 or even more in just a few months. With this money you can do anything you want!!"
Well, that didn't last for long. But then, did you expect it to?
"This is worth trying! Think for a moment.... your total expense for the program is $6.60 (five dollar bills and five postage stamps). Even if you don't get a singe response,you are out less than $10 and maybe an hour or two of your time. BUT YOU WILL GET A RESPONSE!!"
Oy vay! And what a response you should get! Flame mail, termination from your university account (this one came from an .edu address - and most of them have very little sense of humor when it comes to net abuse), visits from legal authorities, phone calls in the middle of the night, etc.
"Post the letter to many different newsgroups. Use your own judgement to decide which ones might be the most responsive."
It would be fair to say that you will get enough of a response from any newsgroup you post to to get your account cancelled.
"Many people have tried this and have made $300 to 2,900!!!"
Name me two. Just two. With some sort of verification other than their own pathetic attempts to get someone else involved.
"That is why I'am giving this a try. It's worked for them so why not me. Just remember, BE HONEST!!!"
The two are mutually incompatible. You can't be honest running an illegal scam.
"So, how does this work? SIMPLE. You have probably seen this before."
How does "Understatement of The Year Award" strike you?
"What it is,is perfectly legal(se Title 18,h section 1302 NS1341 of Postal Lottery Laws) program of collecting names and addresses for a mailing list."
Well, before telling someone else to go se [sic] that law, perhaps you ought to follow your own advice, huh? On the US Postal Inspectors' Service Chain Letter page it says right there in plain English: "Chain letters are a form of gambling, and sending them through the mail (or delivering them in person or by computer, but mailing money to participate) violates Title 18, United States Code, Section 1302, the Postal Lottery Statute. Regardless of what technology is used to advance the scheme, if the mail is used at any step along the way, it is illegal.
Do not be fooled if the chain letter is used to sell inexpensive reports on credit, mail order sales, mailing lists, or other topics. The primary purpose is to take your money, not to sell information. ‘Selling' a product does not ensure legality."
"Basically, you will start your own small company that collects and stores mailing list."
No, basically, you will be running an illegal pyramid chain letter.
"STEP ONE- Print this letter. Save it in case you want to try it again."
That's just in case we somehow get these things wiped off of Usenet and you can't find one in at least every other newsgroup you turn to. Of course, the fact that you would be using this particular list again with his name on it never enters into his mind. Actually, I'm quite sure of that, because it is obvious that not much ever enters his mind.
"STEP TWO- Send snail-mail letter to each of the following people, reading simply "Please add me to your mailing list",and containig your full name and mailing address, and $1.00 cash:"
Don't any of these pathetic spammers have spelling checkers?
"1. Matthew Stanislawski 5919 N West Circle Ave. Chicago, IL 60631 2. S.J Yeggi 4115 Ventura Canyon Ave. Sherman Oaks, CA 91423 3. Patrick Powell 2235 Stratford Ave #2 Cincinnati, OH 45219-1201 4. Matthew Rivard 8020 N. Hickory #1312 Kansas City, MO 64118 5. Robert Peru 26035 Lorain Rd #140 North Olmsted OH 44070"
Come One! Come All! See the stupid sheep!
"STEP THREE- Edit this letter to read the way you want it to. Include some info about yourself. DO NOT LIE!"
Bwahahahahahahahahaaahahah!!!!!!! You might actually have a future in comedy somewhere! "Do not lie!" !!!! Hahahahahahahaha!! So... it's "do as I say, not as I do" time, eh?
"When you get to the top of the list of names above, remove the top name(#1) and move the others up. Then add your name to the list in the #5 position. In this way, you can earn money from the investments of others after you, as you are helping those that came before you."
Don'tcha just love how they throw the word "investment" around, trying to make it sound as if this is something legitimate? I'd laugh if I weren't puking.
"STEP FOUR- Post your letter to as many newsgroups as your wish."
Hmmm... no standard "to at least 200 newsgroups" admonition here? At least that's refreshing.
"STEP FIVE- When the money starts coming in (and it may take two or three weeks, don't panic and don't give up),save all the letters you receive in a box."
No, you can start to panic about an hour or so later when you check your email box and find that it is either a) full of hate mail, or b) locked by your ISP.
"ALWAYS KEEP THE ORIGINAL LETERS. This way, you will have proof that your business is legal and legitimate, in case you are ever asked."
Gosh - why would anyone ask, this thing is so obviously legitimate and legal. I mean, other than the obvious violation of the postal lottery statue listed above by you (out of context) and by me (in full context).
"STEP SIX- use the money you have received as you wish."
Oh, thank you for your permission, Sahib.
"Just don't forget to send the money to the people on the list! "
Yep, I keep telling everyone about those psychics out there who can tell if you have cheated.
"They are just like you and anybody makes and money if this letter regenerates without any money changing hands."
Do you wanna run that by me again? It didn't make any sense the first time. Nor the second, third, or fourth, which is when I gave up.
"Thats is all. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope you decide to give it a try, and I hope it give you the same results I have seen in the past!!"
Yes, I hope so too if you try it - all the bad things that can happen to you, like losing your ISP account, legal problems, hate mail and phone calls, etc.
"THANK YOU."
You are not in the least bit welcome. Not here, not on usenet, not anywhere. I mean that with all my heart.
