What They Said
...whoever they are

Cancer?!? Now I'll never get insurance!
—commercial heard on KROQ-FM 106.7 in Los Angeles

Comedy = tragedy + time.
—unknown

Democracy was getting old anyway.
—bumper sticker seen in Portland OR

Doormat for Jesus
—"T.W."

If you can't trust a woman with a choice, how can you trust her with a child?
—a bumper sticker I first saw at Carl's Jr., of all places

I played this song for you guys 'cause you're the only ones here.
—DJ at the Cabaret, a now-defunct gay bar in Huntington, WV

It's so nice to get out of the city.
—Two New Yorkers we met at the Grand Central Market... in downtown Los Angeles!

I've always kinda thought of Earth as the Penalty Planet.
—DJ on KCRW-FM, Los Angeles

Lighten up, you joyless feebs!
—"Bobbie Mae's" Daily Affirmation

...looking like the cat swallowed the Camaro.
—"Bobbie Mae," 10/30/1999

Murphy's First Law of Infinite Priority: "Whatever you set out to do, something else must be done first."
—unknown

Oprah—she looked better fat.
—"Bobbie Mae"

Please hold during the silence...
—A voicemail system, during a transfer

A road you know like the back seat of your car.
—"Bobbie Mae," 8/31/1997

Should I die before my wake...
—"Bobbie Mae," 9/2/2000

Somebody tell that boah what time it is.
—A guy on the Third Avenue #16 bus in Los Angeles.

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.
—This quote has been variously attributed, most solidly to Martin Mull. See this note if you have questions—or answers—about the attribution.

Today, tires are technical...
—commercial first heard on KROQ-FM 106.7 in Los Angeles

We know how it ends! Blub blub blub...
—"Bobbi Mae," on the movie Titanic

Well, you're not all gone, by God. You've still got a shadow...
An old man in front of the Greyhound station on 13th Street, Huntington WV

You got mustard on my ostriches!
—"Bobbie Mae"

Note: I am well aware that the writer of the dialog, not the actor who spoke the lines, would probably be the best person to credit with the lines below. However, that information is not easy to obtain or be sure of, even in cases where the work in question has only one listed author and even where one can be sure the actor didn't ad-lib, and so I'm punting—going with the one I saw speak the lines, where I can even remember with certainty who that was.

The Internet Movie Database (IMDb) has been a valuable resource for checking some of the information on actors, character names and other data provided here, but the quotes are all things I heard myself, and any errors that still exist are mine, I'm sure.

• I never liked your dog, and I think jazz is stupid!
  (This line is spoken near the beginning of the movie by the soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend of Roger Cobb [Steve Martin], and just sums up for me how people will search for any painful thing to say during a breakup.)

• I am not going to die... in Wayne!
• ...the perfect... nasum...

• Diane Chambers (Shelley Long): "You are an idiot!"
  Sam Malone (Ted Danson): "No, no... that's just my cover."
• Sam, to Carla Tortelli (Rhea Perlman): "Murder is not the answer to every one of life's little problems!"

• Catherine Ballard (Deborah Kara Unger): "...maybe the next one."

• Frasier Crane (Kelsey Grammer): "How can men possibly use sex to get what we want? Sex is what we want!"

• Mack (Kevin Kline): "Making a left turn in L.A. is one of the hardest things you can do in this life."

• Jay Nichols (Hank Azaria): The decaf is in the orange pot.

• Johnny (Keanu Reeves): I want room service!
  (This leads into a petulant, over-the-top rant on the many 21st-Century-yuppie trappings poor Johnny/Keanu wants... a rant which sounds so sincere I suspect it's more Reeves than Gibson.)

• Harris Telemacher (Steve Martin): "I could never be a woman, 'cause I'd just sit at home and play with my breasts all day."

• Dr. Lawrence Angelo (Pierce Brosnan): "He learned Latin in two hours... it took me a year just to learn the Latin alphabet."
  (The Latin alphabet, by the way, would be the one that starts ABCDEFG...)

• Gus, the elevator operator at Berger's Department Store, on the store's last day: "Do they have elevators at the Gap?"
  Jack Stein (Jay Thomas): "No."
  Gus: "Didn't think so."
• Jack Stein: "If only your kind didn't look so damn' good naked."

• New Centurion 1 (Emmanuel Addo), in the episode "Magicians Anonymous" (S5:E4): "Foxes all lie. Who'd ever believe their news?"

• Father Francis Mulcahy (William Christopher): "Love thy neighbor or I'll punch your lights out!"
• Col. Sherman Potter (Harry Morgan): "The Pentagon: four walls and a spare—a monument to Murphy's Law."

• Murphy Brown (Candice Bergen): "I'd like to think that one day people won't be judged by their color or their gender, but by the things that really matter—their taste in music."

• Professor John McGregor (Donald Pleasence): "It's perfectly normal for insects to be slightly telepathic."
  (It'd be weird if they were VERY telepathic...)

• Freddy (Thom Mathews): I know you're up there 'cause I can smell your brain...
• If you loved me you'd let me eat your brain...
• Tina, I love you but you've got to let me eat your braaain!...
• Zombie: Send more cops... Send more paramedics...

• Darlene Conner (Sara Gilbert): Cancel the clown; I'm vapor.
• Roseanne Conner (Roseanne): The Nineties... who knew?

• Jules (Demi Moore): I never thought I'd be so tired at 22.
  (I was 22 when I saw this.)
• Kevin Dolenz (Andrew McCarthy): Love is an illusion created by lawyers to foster another illusion called marriage, which creates the reality of divorce and the illusory need for divorce lawyers.
  

• Homer Simpson (Dan Castellaneta), in the Movementarians episode: "Homer no function beer well without."